Mentor Corner

Frequently Asked questions

FAQs about the Application and Placement Process
FAQs about the Student and the Relationship
FAQs about Appropriate Roles and Activities

FAQs about the Application and Placement Process

Q: I have finished my training. Now what?
A: Creative mentoring is still working on completing all of the pieces of your application. You will receive a letter with your training certificate letting you know the status of your application.

Q: It has been 2 weeks since I received confirmation that my application is complete, and I have not heard from the School Coordinator. What should I do now?
A: Call Creative Mentoring so we check in with the Coordinator. Remember, the the month of March is when the schools administer the DSTP tests, and often coordinators need to focus on that piece of school administration. Also, many coordinators are hesitant to place mentors with students after April because often student and mentors' availability can change over the summer.

FAQs about the Student and the Relationship

Q: Why is a child is chosen for the program? How is the match is made?
A: There is no specific answer to these questions since each school or community-based organization program is run differently. Some children need a little extra academic help. Some are from large families and just need some individual attention. Some are shy and withdrawn; others are hyperactive. Some need a positive adult role model; some need a friend. Children selected for mentoring should not be those with the greatest problems; rather they should be those for whom a teacher would say, "If I just had an extra half-hour or hour to spend with that child, it would make all the difference in the world."

The main point, however, is that any child can benefit from mentoring. Mentors are not there to "save" the child; rather they are there to enhance that child's growth and development, to discover his/her unique gifts and talents, and to help the child reach his or her potential.

Q: What if the child doesn't like me? What if this isn't a good match?
A: The overwhelming majority of matches work just fine. Usually the child is as concerned whether you will like her as you may be concerned about her liking you. In those rare instances where the match doesn't work, it's important to let your program coordinator know so that both you and your mentee can be rematched.

Q: Should I mentor the same child more than one year?
A: By all means! The longer the relationship lasts the more impact it has on both the mentee AND the mentor. Mentors who are willing to follow the child, even when the child changes schools, can often be the most consistent element in the child's life.

Q: My student switched school. Can I follow him/her to the new school?
A: We encourage mentors to follow their student. Call Creative Mentoring and ask if the student's new school is part of the Creative Mentoring Network. If they are we can introduce you to the student's new mentor coordinator and make sure that he or she has all of your Mentor Application Information so you can get started right away. If they are not, we will help you work with the School to help you get started.

Q: What if I can't be there every week for my mentee? What if I travel on my job...or take long vacations during the mentoring year?
A: Consistency is the most important quality a mentor brings to the relationship. Children count on their mentors to be there for them; they look forward to the sessions—frequently asking daily if "today is the day" their mentor comes to school.

Of course, no one is capable of perfect attendance all the time. Children do understand when mentors must miss an occasional session, or when mentors have to travel occasionally on business. If you know ahead of time that you will have to miss a session or a couple of weeks, be sure to inform both the child and the school coordinator. If you're traveling you might also help prepare the child by spending a session or two sharing with your mentee about your destination.

On the other hand, if your work or life style consistently interrupts your mentoring schedule, you would be best to consider another volunteer assignment. We are convinced that inconsistent mentors do more harm than good.

Q: How can I get my mentee to open up to me?
A: Do not expect your mentee to start opening up right away. Relationships take time to grow and some trust needs to be built up before the mentee becomes comfortable talking with you. They may be afraid they'll get in trouble if they're honest, or that you won't like them if they say certain things. Ask open-ended questions that can't be answered with yes or no. Let them know that you are nervous too. Be patient and consistent with your visits, and remember that just doing things together will foster an open, trusting relationship.

Q: How should I respond if my mentee asks personal questions about me?
A: The best response is to answer in broad general terms, and if the child persists, ask them why they want to know, or what it is they're concerned about. There is usually a reason why they've asked that question, and that is where you should direct the conversation.

Q: I can't see that I've made any difference in the child's life. She seems to have the same attitudes and behaviors as when we started.
A: Be patient. Affecting change takes time and you may not see any difference for a long time. But your efforts are not wasted, and eventually you may notice some ideas or even some of your phrases or mannerisms have "stuck". Remember that this is a relationship, and like all relationships will have advances and setbacks. Also remember that the child has other things going on in his or her life that will influence his or her behavior and attitudes. If you remain dedicated you will make a difference in the long run.

Q: My mentee is unappreciative. How should I handle this?
A: Part of your job as a mentor is to be a good role model for the child. They may never have learned to say thank you. In that case, make it a point to model that behavior for the child. If the child knows how to say thank you but just doesn't, it is all right to remind them that saying thank you is customary and polite, and people in general will like them better if they would express appreciation. You can say this in a playful way or you can be more assertive, depending on what you think is appropriate. Often it is helpful to phrase it as an "I" message, such as "I like it when you say thank you to me because then I feel appreciated." If you have a good relationship the child may change her behavior for you.*(p.23)

FAQs about Appropriate Roles and Activities

Q: What should my relationship with the child's parents be?
A: This is a tricky area. Unlike community-based mentoring programs, most in-school and site-based mentoring programs do NOT encourage a direct relationship between the mentor and the parent. Check with your individual program about this issue. In most cases, the program will prefer that the mentor and parent communicate through the school or program coordinator. While it's fine if the mentor comes to a school function to support his/her mentee and meets the parents at schools, it may be breaking a proper boundary for the mentor to call the parent directly or vice versa.

Having said all that, this area becomes grayer the longer the mentor/child relationship continues. Each relationship is different and mentors will have to decide for themselves if they choose to cross this particular boundary. It is important, however, to remember that school-based and site-based programs cannot sanction or provide liability protection when the relationship moves off-site.

Q: Can I take my mentee out to lunch or to a movie on the weekends?
A: School-based and site-based mentoring programs almost unanimously discourage or disallow meetings with the child beyond the site. There are obvious reasons for this: parents have usually given permission limited to site-based meetings, liability issues should there be an accident, lack of supervision, etc.

If you wish to move your relationship with your mentee beyond the school or site, our recommendation would be to investigate the possibility of you and your mentee becoming part of a recognized community-based mentoring program such as Big Brothers Big Sisters. Many mentors have bridged the two distinct types of relationships in this manner—protecting all concerned.

Q: Can my mentee and I continue to meet in the summers?
A: Schools discourage meetings over the summer for the same reasons as they discourage meeting off site. Sometimes, if the child attends summer school, there are limited opportunities to meet at the school following the classes.

Other community-based programs, however, may continue to hold sessions throughout the summer. They key here is whether the school or community program is in regular session. If it is, mentoring may be able to continue over the summer. If it isn't, it's better to correspond with your mentee via postcards or letters sent through the school or program. (Lots of mentors give their young mentees stamped and addressed postcards to mail to them over the summer.)

Q: What about touch?
A: So much concern has arisen about inappropriate touch or being accused of inappropriate touching, that many new mentors are afraid to be physically close to their mentees. Young children—especially in the primary grades—need touch to relate to the world. Schools understand this. A pat on the shoulder or the back, a "high five", a handshake, or even a hug can be very appropriate when working with a child.

There are important guidelines here too:

• There's safety in choosing a place to mentor where you can be seen by others in the building
• Touching "hard" parts of the body (e.g. shoulders, back, top of head, etc.) can rarely be misunderstood as inappropriate.
• Remember that in this area as any other, good mentoring is child centered, child driven. Take your cues from the child; ask if the child would like a hug rather than asking if you may hug the child.

Q: What about gifts?
A: This is probably the most often asked question. Mentors want to give gifts AND they want definite guidelines to help them decide what approaches are in the best interests of the child. It's important to check your mentoring program to determine what, if any, their policy is. If there is no set policy, we recommend the following basic guidelines:

• Gifts should be small and meaningful—reflecting something special in the mentor/mentee relationship
• Gifts should be given infrequently—e.g. birthday, Christmas, end of year. (Be sure that gift giving isn't forbidden by the child's religious practices.)
• Gifts should not be given to recognize achievement. Such gifts are a form of judgment. (e.g. what happens when the child tries hard and fails???)
• There's a difference between a gift and letting the child keep a project you've worked on together.
• Sometimes the mentor may wish to bring cookies or a snack to school. This is more of a sharing than a gift. It's also a good idea to bring enough for the mentee to share with the entire class.

Q: What if my mentee needs something I can easily give—like a coat?
A: When faced with this type of dilemma, it's important to remember which roles are appropriate and which are inappropriate for mentors. Providing the "basics" for your mentee puts you in the role of parent. That is clearly someone else's job. One of the mentor's jobs is to always honor the parent's position in the child's life and never compete with the parents for the child's attention or affection.

That is not to say, however, that there is nothing you can do to help.

Mentors often wish to donate clothing and other basics they see their mentees needing. Most schools and site-based programs have on staff someone in a social worker type role. (In schools this is usually the school nurse.) It's often possible to donate an article of clothing, IF—and only if—you are willing to do so anonymously. Acting as a go-between, the nurse or social worker can check with this family to see if they would accept the donated article. Whether they accept or not, it would compromise your role as mentor if they were to know you were involved.

Q: What if my mentee needs money for a field trip or to purchase Christmas gifts for his family?
A: As far as money is concerned, the rule of thumb is to remember that the mentor's gift is his or her time. When money enters the relationship, the child can focus on that kind of gift instead.

Rather than give any money directly to the child, it's a better idea to work behind the scenes with the school or program to find ways in which the child could earn the money—even if you are the one donating it for whatever reason.

Q: My mentee is always asking me to buy him things (or give him lunch money or a pen or...)
A: As a mentor your gift to the child is your TIME. Do not feel obligated to provide items that the child wants. For items like lunch money or a pen or pencil the school probably already has a process set up. The child will NOT go hungry if you do not provide lunch money. Ask your coordinator what the process is, and when the child asks just tell him what he needs to do. Or simply say that no, you don't do that. The child will stop asking for things if you are consistent in saying no.

Q: My mentee doesn't seem interested in any activity I suggest.
A: Try to find out what your mentee is interested in, and use that to plan activities for the two of you. Refer to the Base Student Profile and Parent Permission form that your coordinator gave you for some clues to the child's interests. (Don't have them? Ask your coordinator for copies of those forms, which should be filled out for every child in the mentoring program.) Ask the child what he or she would like to do with your time together. Remember that the relationship should be child-driven, that is, tailored to the child's wants and needs. You can get ideas about activities to suggest to your mentee by visiting the Mentor Corner page.

Sometimes a child will test you by being indifferent to EVERYTHING you suggest, even if they professed interest in it originally. The "payoff" for them in this behavior is seeing you get upset and frustrated. The solution is to remain calm, even if you're very frustrated! Tell them that since he can't suggest anything he'd like to do, you'll simply read to him/play the same game/sit in silence with him every week until he comes up with an activity he'd like to do. And then do it! Remember, he is testing you to see if he can make you upset and whether you will quit if he doesn't follow your agenda. Eventually, if you can hold out, the child may realize you will not "give up" on him and suddenly open up to you in ways you never imagined.

Q: My mentee has told me a serious secret in confidence. I feel it is something his parent should know.
A: If the secret has to do with something that could harm the child's health or safety, you must tell the school coordinator immediately so she can contact the child's parents or take other appropriate steps to keep the child safe. Explain to the child that you cannot keep secrets when his health or safety is at risk because you cannot knowingly let him get hurt or be in danger. So the next time the child asks you if you can keep a secret, tell him when you can and when you can't keep a secret. Never promise to keep a secret before you know what it is.

FAQs taken from Elements of Effecting Mentoring, 2001, published by Creative Mentoring, Wilmington, DE and Mentoring Answer Book, 2002, published by Big Brothers, Big Sisters of McHenry County, 3430 West Elm Street, McHenry IL 60050.